Monthly Archive

i’m going to keep it short and sweet.

i’m in the office alone. the music is on. the beat takes over my body and i start to dance towards the printer (i’m not sure at what point attempting to moon walk felt like a good idea) - only to turn around and find the window cleaner staring in, trying to hold himself up on the ladder whilst practically wetting himself with laughter. why do i do these things? why lord why?

now that’s off of my chest, back to work.

so i know that i was meant to check in the next day to display my glorious shiny (well not quite i know) tattoo, but if the truth be known, i was a little shame-faced. the story kind of goes like this…

1. i walk into tattoo parlour

2. dark haired , stern faced goth woman looks me up and down

3. dark haired, stern faced goth woman turns to man sat at the back of room and raises eyebrow

4. i feel a little embarrassed that dark haired, stern faced goth woman thinks it’s just a novelty for me and i’m not “keeping it real”

5. room begins to get a little fuzzy

6. i wake up in a pile on the floor to find dark haired, stern faced goth woman looking over me in an unamused fashion

7. i apologise and explain that i would like a tattoo

8. dark haired, stern faced goth woman refuses to go anywhere near someone that is so prone to fainting for “health and safety reasons”

9. i leave shame faced whilst dark haired, stern faced goth woman couldn’t possibly look any more smug

this only goes to prove that my halo must shine brighter than i previously believed it to do. now i’m going to have to find somewhere else to get it done.

m x

so my friend and i were discussing all of the unknown rules attached to facebook - who would have thought it could be so complicated!

the first thing that came up was poking which is an unknown to lots of people i know. i think it’s kind of a flirty way of saying hi to someone although my friend thought it was only supposed to be used when you see someone you think you recognise them. therefore you poke them and if they’re the right person they befriend you - which would make sense, but i prefer my theory.

then there’s that all important relationship status. it rings out like an alarm, the first thing i notice on the news feed is whether someone is now registered as single, married etc and that way you know whether to congratulate or console. the difficulty comes when someone updates their status without telling their partner first - also known as virtual dumping, aw! then there’s the whole other level of new relationships - at what point do you change your status? what if you don’t both have the same status? it’s a minefield i tell you!

the last thing that needs careful consideration is wall posts - they’re not invisible, so remember not to write anything you don’t mind the world seeing. if you’ve got something private to write ( ) then put it in an email…

so all in all, i’m not going to poke anyone, i’m going to remove my relationship status and avoid wall posts at all costs… that should prevent any problems from occurring

lecture over, happy facebooking!

i know, every day in my world proves to be a crisis in it’s own right - but this is different, this is a midlife crisis which puts it into a completely different league. as such, words don’t do it justice, so i put together a ropey diary entry instead…

mum, if you watched that - i’m only kidding - i won’t really do it :/

i’ll check back tomorrow if i’m still alive.

m

p.s. check out the t-shirt - that wasn’t even intentional

p.p.s. i know that this is totally self-indulgent but hugo was trying to get in on the action and i can’t help but think he’s cute!

being super organised, i made sure that i arrived at the airport to return home with more than 2 hours to spare. little did i know that there would be one person checking in the cattle to economy class and 3 checking those for upper class. this meant that i had to run to the departure lounge before being rushed onto the plane.

when i say run to the departure lounge - quite a lot happened on that run. it all started with the fact that san francisco is far too good for shopping which left me sitting on my case, legs dangling trying to zip the damn thing. when i got to the airport they told me that i had too much stuff for them to even charge me excess baggage and that i would have to leave some items behind. this disaster was soon diverted though when i put the well used lost look on my face. i think they took one look and decided it was more hassle than it was worth and i was soon shuffled along.

at this point i decided i was really tired and could really do with an upgrade to be able to sleep on the flight back to the uk. i already knew that the cost to upgrade was pretty high and so i put my most charming smile on and told the check in assistant that i’d injured my back whilst in san francisco so is there any way that i could have a seat with extra leg room. this tactic didn’t go quite as well as planned when she told me that she wouldn’t let me fly until i had a doctors note to confirm that i was fit to fly. you can therefore imagine my embarrassment when i had to pipe up and admit i was just after a free upgrade - watched by the milling crowds, all trying to cover their amused faces. no amount of foundation could have covered the rosy shades of my cheeks!

from there i proceeded to customs where i was told that all cosmetics had to be in a clear sealable bag. the problem was that i had been unable to pack them in my case as i simply couldn’t fit any more in. i thought that it would be ok as my cosmetics bag is kind of clear, until i was told that it had to be the size of your palm - don’t they realise it takes a lot of cement to fix this face? as i approached, i became all flustered and gave into the fact that they would probably confiscate the items from me. as i passed through, i smiled at the camera operator and he became so busy being a guy and letching after anything with a pulse that he completely forgot to check what was in my bag. to say that i was relieved has to be the biggest understatement of the year.

by the time i got onto the plane and was seated next to a man that was convinced he should be entitled to my seat as well as his own, i was just relieved to be heading out of the airport. and so the adventure finishes thanks for the fun times san fran - i hope to be back soon

i know i’m rather masculine (yeah right) but i’ve never understood why when i meet people for the first time, they’re surprised that i’m a girl. in uk it’s not as if mel is ever used for guys - however i don’t think that’s the case in the states. so now i’m walking around town with a guy’s name - great! it’s not even as though i can use my full name as i can’t pronounce melanie without sounding stupid and feeling like i’m in trouble with my mum.

to make matters worse, apparently i share my name with a drive in. i wanted to be incredibly touristy and get one of their t-shirts but they all said “why not drive into mel’s?” and i don’t know why but that kind of makes me feel dirty and want a shower…

so no random stories today (if i’m honest i’ve got a bit of a hangover and can’t remember all of the things that have happened - there are quite a few, trust me) but i’m having birthday celebrations tonight, so watch this space!

m x

p.s. thanks to everyone for the birthday wishes, although you may want to take note that by finishing your email telling me i’m now officially old makes me cry, every time, without fail.

p.p.s. not sure if you saw my post where i said that i have the face of an angel, but if you did, i totally revoke that statement as the people at heathrow would appear not to agree - i was searched 3 times on the way out - seriously have you ever heard of anyone using mascara to harm anyone?

so having been woken up by the guy upstairs who thought it would be hillarious when getting in from the bar last night to knock on my door and tell me how sweet he thought i was, it’s fair to say i was more than a little tired this morning.

having wrenched myself out of bed, i decided breakfast was the way forwards and was bound to give me some energy. you can imagine my disappointment therefore when i put the shredded wheat in my mouth to find i had drenched it in orange juice rather than milk.

after telling myself for being so stupid and giving up on breakfast i made my way to work. now anyone who knows me will tell you that i fully utilise my bumpers. that’s what they are there for, why else would they be called bumpers? it’s generally bump, bump and i’m parked. only today, there was a man in the car parked behind me. to say that he went purple would be an understatement. i just want a big hug and for today to end…

i’m not a person that is good at watching films, you see, i have a very short attention span. therefore when i go to the cinema, it’s mainly for the popcorn… (but we’ll keep that between ourselves). however, there are some rules i believe that cinema-goers should follow and it always seems i get stuck next to someone who doesn’t understand these rules - man from tuesday night, please pay attention…

1. when leaving for the cinema, make sure that your hygiene is to a socially acceptable standard - this means brushing your teeth and showering so that i’m not forced to breath into my jumper the whole time i’m there

2. watching hairspray (it wasn’t my film choice i swear) as a guy on your own is just odd - if you plan on watching it on your own, you might be better off waiting for the dvd

3. hocking a loogie is not acceptable. end of.

4. staring at people whilst they’re watching a film makes them feel uncomfortable (and in some circumstances could get you arrested)

5. when the film ends, you should stand up rather than force people to clamber over your lap

you never know, if you follow these rules, you might find someone to go to the cinema with in future. we can but live in hope…

in future before taking watch back to shop to complain that it cost you a lot and you’ve only had it a couple of months, check that the dial is fully pushed in d’oh