having worked in marketing, i know that nothing is more important than targeting your material correctly. so i always find it interesting when i receive spam to see why they thought i’d fall within their target market…

according to the mail in my spam folder today:-

• the following property fits your criteria - i’m only renting for the time being and kind of looking, so i can forgive them for that- 1 point to the spammers
• airtime for mobiles - yes i use my mobile phone far more than i should, but it’s good to talk - 1 point to the spammers
• don’t have a small manhood for all of your life - minus 20 points for the spammers
• obtain the degree you deserve - ok so i don’t have a degree, but i’ve been to the school of life - 1 point to the spammers
• with a larger manhood you…(i can’t write more, it’s too rude) - minus 20 points for the spammers
• fill her whole mouth…f(you get the idea) - minus 20 points for the spammers
• $119.95 VIAGRA - minus 20 points for the spammers
• adobe creative suite - yes i’m a girl geek, but i’m proud of it people - 1 point to the spammers
• adobe photoshop - airbrush that cellulite, it’s all good by me - 1 point to the spammers
• a bigger pen*s equals greater pleasure (for goodness sake!) - minus 20 points for the spammers
• at the end of the road? - i am having read all of these emails - 1 point to the spammers

so i was thinking about it and to be fair, much of the spam could be “kind of targeted” towards the kind of person that i am, but more worryingly - most of it is telling me that i’m a man. a man with issues. it’s really quite concerning - then it struck me - it’s my flipping name. everyone thinks i’m a guy again! great! so i’m going to test drive the usage of melanie for a while to see if i can get over my issues of thinking it sounds like a transvestite… wish me luck.

m x

p.s. i’m really sorry for being slow on the blog updates, consider me officially repremanded…. my event is in less than a month so things are suuuuper busy at the moment, but i’ll try harder going forward. promise.

i love my cats, i really do, but i’m finding it really hard to appreciate their gifts. a week ago now, hugo my ginger tom (i don’t know how that adds to my story, but i thought you might want to know) decided that it would be acceptable to bring a snake into my house and leave it on the rug in my lounge.

ok, so zoologists might not actually class the thing as a snake, maybe more of a slow worm, but it was one big mumma! to say that i freaked out is an understatement, not made any better by the fact that it was wiggling like crazy whilst hugo sat and looked satisfied with himself!

it took for my poor friend to come and rescue me for me to stop screaming at the top of my voice. we were both stood meters from the thing, whilst she tried to stretch her arm as far as possible to eventually flick it out of the french doors. when she finally got rid of the damn thing, i went outside, only to find that hugo had left the back half of another one right on my doorstep. the screaming recommenced. the most worrying thing out of all this though - is that not once did any of my neigbours come and check that i was ok! hmmmn! maybe they were still a little worried after the naked tanning incident.

then last thursday i was preparing to go out, was glitzed up with sparkle and my best party frock and decided it was time for some party tunes to get me in the mood. as i walk in to the living room, something scatters… a mouse! i swear - a mouse!!! hugo had gone up-market and had decided that a snake obviously wasn’t cutting the mustard, so he’d bring me a mouse instead.

screaming started once again and i think at some point may have included the phrase “f*ck me!” only to find that the french doors were open and sniggering started from the people living above. so at this point, i’m wearing a black silk dress, running after the blasted thing as it looks smug at the fact that it could fit under my leather sofas and my measly man muscles weren’t big enough to lift the damn things.

determined that there was no way the blasted thing was going to stay there and have mouse babies, i eventually captured it and carried it out to the field behind - the whole time cursing my flipping cats. i’ve now made a gift list and stuck it to the front of the “cat food cupboard” - top 5 entries are:-

1. iPhone
2. Gucci handbag
3. Gina shoes
4. A new purse
5. Wii

Here’s hoping they get the hint and arrange delivery of one of those items - it has to be a damn site easier than catching a mouse and I’d be a lot more grateful!