Monthly Archive

ok ok, so i know that this is harsh and probably not something that i should be doing, but here goes…

i’ll first make things better by making a bit of a confession. having been single for a while, i was discussing the situation with my friends - explaining that bars just aren’t the right places to find someone and when you work for a small company you’re never going to find someone in work. it was at this point that one of my friends suggested i try an online dating site. now, i’m aware of the stigma attached to those sites and i said no at least for the first 8 times she suggested it.

on the 9th time though i broke and agreed to sign up to a site, but refused to post a proper profile or a picture. i just wanted to be nosy and have a gander. 5 minutes after signing up i get an email from the chap above telling my how pretty my picture is and he can’t believe that i’m single.

worried that i had accidentally posted a picture, i check my profile and there’s definitely nothing there. then i read the email again and it’s very generic which is when it struck me that it was an email he was cutting and pasting to all of the girls on the site. needless to say i didn’t respond.

so here’s a word of warning for all of you guys and girls out there - if you’re going to send a generic email, check the content first and make sure it’s relevant and if you really want to push the boat out, maybe even use their name… on a side note, having posters on your walls (including one of ghostbusters and another of a girl in a bikini) is never going to help your case.

i think i’d rather remain single thanks - the quickest signup and withdrawal from a site ever

m x

p.s. imagine how awful it would be if he found my blog! it’s never going to happen is it, but imagine…!

entertain yourself with a good old fashioned tune - in my experience the power soon comes back

DAY ONE

drive to gatwick airport, find the carpark, take the bus to the airport, check in our bags without being charged, even though my bag was hugely overweight (he was a lovely man!) and make our way to the departure gate. all too smooth, concerned.

board plane, seats with extra leg room. happy campers, looking forward to the sun. couple in front en route to get married in st lucia - kind of smug - little annoying. spirits still high.

arrive in antigua - bags first off the plane, sail through customs and greeted by sj’s aunt (sj is my pal - not girlfriend and kindly agreed to the girly holiday). picked up jeep and made way to her aunt’s house where we had dinner and caught up over a glass of champagne. all lovely. too lovely. little concerned.

make way to the hotel in the pitch black trying to avoid the potholes and random wandering chickens. find hotel, check in - they don’t have a twin room. after a little wait, given two double interconnecting rooms. decide too scared to be in new country to stay in separate rooms - use one as storage for our clothes. very useful.

go on short exploration of hotel to find bar - fellow traveller spotted singing heart out at karaoke - not a good sign. leave immediately. sleep early, out like a light.

DAY TWO

up early to explore the resort - find essentials - restaurant for breakfast, beach and all inclusive bar. all well with the world. spend the day gazing at the beautiful ocean, swimming, listening to ipod and reading book. start to wind down.

buffet style dinner proves to be disappointing. appears fried chicken is one of the main ingredients in many dishes and the antiguans can’t contemplate why you’d be a vegetarian. stick to chef’s special rice and decide it could be a good opportunity to lose weight. make mental note to weigh when back in the room to monitor progress over the weeks.

head to hotel bar where a guy is spotted that was on our flight. guy appears to speak to anyone that has ears and as such earns himself the name of chatty chatterson. discover wonderful local cocktail and vow it’s my drink of choice. aaah.

DAY THREE

venture out of hotel to half moon bay - gorgeous beach, totally deserted.

spend time taking a couple of pictures for a random video that i planned to make, not knowing that the internet connection would be crap and i’d never be able to post it anyway, pah! after a few hours another couple of people turn up. kind of put out.

make way to hotel bar to pleasant surprise that the music isn’t awful and treat ourselves to a cocktail. take seat towards back of seating area to people watch (my favorite activity in the world). spot chatty chatterson at the bar talking to a lady. appears to be wearing clothes from the night before, this is slightly disturbing. lady’s dress strap breaks, exposing her bra. she seems unphased by this and continues chatting to chatty chatterson. man walks over to lady and put his arm around her at which point we realise it’s her husband and so name her cocktease.

both men are now fighting for cocktease’s attention - like peacocks showing their feathers. chatty chatterson is still closer and has his hand on her leg which leads husband to reposition himself behind her. husband starts doing random dance which involves shuffling his bottom upwards and thrusting it towards his wife. before we know it, he’s to be known as cockshuffle.

great night of entertainment had by all. spirits incredibly high, possibly assisted by the potent mix of the cocktails. decide it’s time to tick off one of my “before i’m 30 actions” and skinny-dip in the ocean. emerge from the sea to find the beach hadn’t been completely deserted. ack.

make way towards room and discover pool. pool appears very inviting and before you know it our inner champion swimmers are re-emerging and we’re getting in the pool. security seem very unamused by our swimming and order us out of the pool. sj has to pass me my trousers for me to get out of the pool with dignity. realise afterwards that getting out of the pool with soaking clothes stuck to your body probably isn’t the best way to retain your dignity. oh wells.

DAY FOUR

hold our heads high when we walk into the restaurant for breakfast. it appears people think we’re the paris hilton and nicole ritchie of the resort - yikes.

much sunbathing is achieved. the effort involved in getting from the sunlounger to the sea appears to be getting greater.

treat ourselves to dinner at warri pier which looks pretty. seated and given the menu only to find no vegetarian dishes. incredibly disappointed. leave table and make way back to hotel restaurant, resigned to the chef’s special rice again.

later in the evening, cocktease, cockshuffle, chatty chatterson and clown (who wears at least 1 inch of sun cream on his face at all times) appear to be on top form. much fun had by all and taught the electric slide on the dance floor. exciting times.

DAY FIVE

more sunbathing activity. amazed by the amount of people that spend their whole holiday by the bar and yet still tan. suspect there could be fake tanning taking place each night in many of the hotel rooms. the shame.

dinner at “the beach” which is surprisingly hip for a caribbean bar/restaurant. order veggie sushi. yum. enough said. later meet sj’s aunt and friends at coconut grove which is one of the prettiest bars i’ve ever experienced in my life. lots of fairy lights. i love fairy lights.

later develop characters for ourselves as evening entertainment. sj is trace, i’m wonda and we speak with a cockney accent. amazing how much amusement this brings us, especially when introducing ourselves to others.

DAY SIX

make way to st johns to meet sj’s aunt and family for lunch. take detour to purchase crocs ahead of our trip to dominica as trainers (sneakers as my american friends would say) that i bought for the trip, i decide are too nice.

journey to st johns surprisingly stressful. distinct lack of road signage. many people beeping for no apparent reason - little intimidating. eventually work out that we’ve been driving down a one way road the wrong way, blush for a while and turn around at the nearest available opportunity. vow never to drive to st johns again.

after lunch, make way back to the hotel for some much deserved rest on a sun lounger. it’s exhausting work being in the caribbean i decide. early to bed given effort required the next day to get to dominica.

DAY SEVEN

up early to make way to airport en route for dominica - don’t know too much about the island other than pirates of the caribbean was filmed there. hoping by some miracle that johnny depp was left behind but fear that isn’t the case.

arrive at hut otherwise known as dominica’s airport. greeted by lovely man with no teeth which is disturbing to me. fear i could be shallow but hope this is not the case. spend 90 minutes getting to the middle of the rainforrest to our 5* spa retreat. shown to huts which are remote and basic to say the least. becomes apparent it’s going to be very different than originally anticipated. 5 other people staying in the resort. the 5 people could be described by others, but not myself of course, as tree huggers, that’s all that i’m saying.

go for deep tissue massage before getting an early night. appears antigua was a safe haven, decide we both feel safer sharing a bed and a bug net, these are scary times.

DAY EIGHT

go for yoga at just gone 7am. love starting the day with yoga. chanting appears more challenging than anywhere else that i’ve done yoga when the instructor decides to introduce different chords - very embarrassing when you don’t know which chord she is going to go for next.

chosen activity for the day is snorkelling at champagne bay, such names for it’s natural oxygen bubbles rising from the sea bed. after the cringeworthy journey to get there (which involved fellow guests waving at locals like a tourist attraction and the most unsubtle jeep in the world) it was like we’d been placed in a fish tank. really beautiful.

return to hut to experience a power cut. try to call someone to find phonelines dead. realise i’m likely to die and then rationalise thoughts to figure i’ve watched too many horror movies. power restored, bug net hung and much clattering from mammoth lizards on the roof. not sure i’m made to live in the wild.

DAY NINE

yoga at 7am with chanting in tune. find i can balance on just my hands which is surprising given how clumsy i tend to be.

the day of the hike. much anticipation and anxiety having watched fellow guests psyching themselves up for the exercise, carrying out many stretches by the side of the pool. start trek along the glasse trail (sold to us as a route that is a photographers dream). take first picture, camera dies. much peevement takes place.

get to the bottom of the trail to find local man stripping down to his y-fronts and performing many strange actions in the natural whirlpool. so distracted miss everyone looking at the turtle in the ocean and appear in time just to catch it’s bottom. just my luck.

trek back proves our fellow guests might be good at stretches, but less good at actual exercise, much internal smugness takes place. another early night, no power cuts and much excitement about returning to antigua the next day.

DAY TEN

yoga at 7am with chanting in tune. swift exit to breakfast before hitting the road to go snorkelling and kayaking. for a girly girl i’m impressed by how much action is involved this holiday. only the two of us were on the excursion and as soon as we arrive at the deserted beach we realise we could be abducted and no one would realise - the horror movies kicking in again.

after much paddling and kayaking around in circles, we make our way back to shore and begin our journey back to the resort and onward to the airport which consisted of one room and definitely no air conditioning. our room in antigua never felt more comfortable and couldn’t be happier to be back.

disappointed to find that chatty chatterson has flown home, leaving much gossip that he was trafficking drugs amongst the other guests, given that he stuck to the same tshirt and shorts throughout. who would have thought such excitement could exist in such a tiny resort.

decide to brave warri pier in the hope that there might be vegetarian options on the menu. Find that this is and always was - turns out we just had to turn the menu over. oops.

DAY ELEVEN

much sunbathing. listening to ipod. fewer plods to the sea given the effort involved.

DAY TWELVE

much sunbathing. listening to ipod. even few plods to the sea given the increasing effort involved.

evening consists of another trip to coconut grove. miss nice n sexy’s are the drink of the day. the end of the evening shows that these drinks are potent and the walk along the beach to our hotel has never been longer.

DAY THIRTEEN

much sunbathing and listening to ipod alone given the impact of the potent cocktails on sj.

an early night, tucked up in bed, painting nails and watching bridget jones. the high life.

DAY FOURTEEN

up early. boat trip on the navy boat to barbuda which involves seeing a whale. a real live whale. woot! snorkelling is the main activity of the day until i spot a sting ray which sends me into a reel of panick and leads to the least dignified exit from the water ever. everyone could tell it was me, expected nothing less and the day continues as normal.

the journey back should have taken one hour and instead takes 5 after we get stranded having hit coral. everyone’s spirits take a dip, but not for long after dolphins swim alongside the boat. go to sleep that night very happy. very happy indeed.

DAY FIFTEEN

pack up and go home. had an amazing time, spent with one of my closest friends and experienced some really amazing and humbling sights. i’d recommend it to anyone.

as i mentioned, a holiday write up will follow, but in the meantime, here are some things i spotted:-

• 1 whale (too cute! big tale)
• 3 dolphins (that actually lept higher the more you cheered)
• 1 turtle (although i only saw his bottom as i was being distracted by a local who was stripping to his y-fronts - long story)
• 2 sting rays which i know won’t hurt, but scared the living day lights out of me nonetheless
• 26 cows all of which accompanied by some kind of chicken (what’s that about?)
• 18 horses
• 56 dogs (only 2 of which liked me, the rest just growled and snarled)
• 6 bizillion lizards. i began naming them but ran out after the 600th which was named ron
• 4 cockneys who miraculously tanned without leaving the bar (i’m thinking st tropez myself!)
• 1 security guard that didn’t approve of skinny-dipping but was happy to chat all night trying to establish why two girls would feel comfortable sharing a room together

there are plenty of other tales to be told (even though much of the holiday consisted of finding the energy to drag my sorry ass from the sun lounger to the sea and back again - it’s surprising how hard that can become!).

anyway, happy thursday, great to be back and more randomness to follow….

m x

p.s. i have a completely unrelated question - where do birds go to die? you never see them just drop out of the sky… i’d really appreciate an answer to this question - it’s keeping me awake at night. okay, maybe it isn’t, but i would like to know!

it’s thursday. i’m excited. there’s a holiday involved. want to play a game?

did you guess it?

well i had better go pack, the beach is awaiting me and i wouldn’t want to keep it waiting - i’m generous like that. try and stay out of trouble and i’ll be double as random when i get back… you’ve been warned.

toodlepip x