you should probably be warned now, this is my most personal post to date. it might make you feel uncomfortable, it’s probably something which i should keep personal and not post for the whole world to see. but this is the way that i live my life and that is the decision that i made. so i apologise now, but i hope that you’ll understand.
for those who don’t know my background, i’m an only child that was brought up by my mum alone from the age of 11. my mum worked hard to provide for me after my dad left us and became both parents for me for my teenage years. i didn’t go to university – i made the decision that i knew my mum couldn’t afford to pay for it and i didn’t want to end up with huge debts so instead i went out to work. i’ve worked incredibly hard to end up in a job that i love and that i’m good at and there’s been many trials and tribulations on the way as there normally are for most people, but i’m immensely proud of my mum and i hope that she is of me too.
i came to terms with the fact that i’d probably never hear from my dad again, it wasn’t something easy to get my head around, but after all these years it’s something i just accepted. you can imagine my surprise when some 16 years later my step-mother had found my websites and knew everything about me.
i know that’s such a daft thing to say, but so often, you post your pictures to flickr, your every day thoughts to twitter, planned journeys to dopplr and, well, your random videos to your blog – without thinking who is actually viewing or reading it at the other end.
when i received an email from her, it came as a total shock and turned my world upside down – a mixture of emotions, sadness for the lost years and hope for the future. there’s no need to go into specifics but after a few conversations, my dad decided that he didn’t want me in his life after all…
this led me to really re-assess my approach to the web. if only i’d not been so open – he knows everything about me, i know nothing about him. if only i’d not been on the web, he never would have been in touch and i wouldn’t have to face that pain all over again. if only i’d not been on the web i wouldn’t have to face abusive emails. if only….
for a while, i really really thought and i even considered stopping the blog. But then… then i got an email from someone telling me how my videos were helping them through a rough time in their life…. then i had tweets from people telling me they hoped i felt better when i got sick…. then i have the comments for each of my posts and videos which bring me the biggest smile, and that’s what reminds me what it’s all about.
i have the best family… i have a mum that i’m fiercely protective of, a step father better than i could wish for and a whole swarm of friends that i never would have been priveliged enough to meet if it hadn’t been for this wonderful web-o-verse that we live in. it’s then that i’m grateful, so grateful to live my life on the web. it’s not for everyone, that i admit, it’s tough for many to get their head around – but when it’s what makes you tick, what puts fire in your belly and a smile on your face, well then you’re one of the luckiest people in the world.